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HOW I OBTAINED 



A (JOMMISSION: 



OR, 



ne l^ase 0f tlje ITolib. 



IN ONE ACT, 



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R. J. 



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WASHINGTON, D. C. 

Published by W. H. & 0. II. Morrison, Booksellers. 



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HOW I OBTAINED 



A COMMISSION: 



OR, 



#iie |)|ase 0f tlje '$Mi 



IN ONE ACT, 

Bj STDNET THORIILL AND 1 1 SOUTHWORTH. 








WASHINGTON, D. C. 

Published by W. H. & 0. H. Morrison, Booksellers. 



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Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1870, by Sydnky 
Thoenhill, and R. J. Southworth, in the Clerk's Office of the Dist- 
rict Court of the United States for the District of Columbia. 



//. Folkinhorn & Co., Printers, D Street, near 7th, Washington, D. C. 



CHARACTERS AND COSTUMES. 



Wilberforce Smith, U. S. S. — A pompous old man; blue coat, 
brass buttons ; buff vest and pants. 

Daisy Wilson — A young lady of good taste in moderate circum- 
stances ; plain dress. 

John Jackson — Young lawyer ; 1st, thread-bare black cloth suit ; 2d, 

uniform of a Lieutenant U. S. A., and 3d, uniform of Colonel U. 
S. A. 

Napoleon — Young negro man ; 1st, blue-checked shirt, gray vest 
and pants ; 2d, well-worn uniform of Corporal U. S. A. ; 3d, uni- 
form of 1st Sargeant. 

Phillis Jenkins — Negro servant girl ; dress of a housemaid 



v:' ■^:- 



HOW I OBTAINED A COMMISSION. 



ACT. 

ScENP]. — Plain Parlor. Flat in 4th grooves. Door at C. F. open- 
ing into a hall. A door at l. e. A grate or stove at \\. 2 e.. Sofa in 
the corner at l, u. e. Table and chairs at l. u, e, Tt-te a tete Ottoman 
at R. c. When the curtain rises, Daisy Wilson and Jackson are dis- 
cove-ed sitting on the Ottoman. 

Jack. {Jumping up suddenly.) I tell you, Daisy, I must do 
something, [ivnlks toivards c. and pauses ; then turns towards Daisy ) 
I have been drilled in the law ; I have attempted lo practice it, 
but the people are too prudent now to need the services of lawyers. 
(pauses.) It' I go on at this rate i'U soon become fossilised. 

Dai\y. (Reclining and smiling.) Well, my dear, what do you 
want? " Take it and pay the price," says the poet philosopher. 

Jack. It's not what J want. It's what I don't want. To tell 
you the truth, I am tired of this hum-drum gentlemanly life of a pro- 
fessional man, which makes him too proud to engage in legitimate 
business by which he might make a fortune and become influential. 

Daisy. I wish you would find something to do that would suit 
your restless spirit. 

./ack. What's the use of our being engaged. By the time I've 
made money enough to support my^ielf decently by practicing law, 
I will be nothing but a crusty, cross-grained, growling old bachelor. 

Daisy. [Approaching Jack at c. ) Why Jack you look upon the 
dark side of your future. Consider how many lawyers have made 
fortunes, and have made their names immortal in the service of their 
country. Come now, (appealing/y,) don't be discouraged. 

./ack. My future eclipsed by this absurd idea that an honor- 
able profession is better for me than a legitimate business, (pauses 
in thought ivhile Daisy shows signs of impatience.) I have it ! lam 
going to enlist ! I can then rise from the ranks to— it may be — a 
general. I have been told that in war times generals are quickly 
made. (Gets his ha' from the table, returns to Daisy and pau^fS,) but 
then a fellow might get killed, (shudder.^,) Ugh! that would break 
off our engagement, wouldn't it, Daisy dear? 



How 1 obtained a Commission. ^ 

Daisy. Yes, but a brave patriot never entertains sucb fears. 

Jack. That's so; I'll enlist, {takes her hand and kisses her.) 
Good bye; I can work it. [goes towards c. d.) I'll do nothing rash 
before I see you again. Good bye 1 [Exit, c. u.) 

Daisy. Good bye, success to you. (pauses.) Now I wonder 
how I can help him.— Poor fellow ! (walks to l. c. and back to c. 
in deep thought.) Let me see ! Now that Congress has met, if I be- 
come acquainted with any honorable {sarr.astic empj^isis) member, I 
may, by being skillfully passive, secure a commission for Jack, [goes 
to the table and sits.) I must study my case, {pauses with her elbow 
resting on the table.) 

Enter Napoleon at c. d. 

Nap. ( At V. c. laughing.) Keuch! Keuch !! Keuch!!! {throios 
his hands on his knees. Daisy looks at him.) Ha! Ha! Hal Oh! 
Miss Daisy, He ! He ! He ! 

Daisy. Well Napoleon, what pleases you so much? 

Nap. (Approaching her.) Oh ! Miss Daisy, (/auy/is,) He ! He! 
Kcuoh ! Dar's such a funny man out dar ; (laughs,) He ! He ! He's 
bar footed ou de top of he's head, (laughs.) an' he's face is so red 
it look like a coal fire — (laughs) Ha ! Ha ! Keuch ! Keuch! 

Daisy. Hush ! Napoleon. Be quiet. The gentleman will hear 
you.— 

Nap He do look so funny. 

Diisy. What does he want? 

Nap. He de same man I seed follerin' you and marse Jack 
round capitol tother day. He axed me to gib you dis card, (laugh 
ing, gives her the card. ) 

Dai^y. (Looking at the card.) Oh! he is the honorable Senator 
Smith from — A. — 

Nap. Mus' I fotch him in ? 

Daisy. Not yet. He is the very man I met at the reception 
last winter — (loriies a note.) Napoleon! I want you to go out the 
back way and catch Mr. Jackson. He has just gone. Give him 
this note, and then show the gentleman in. 

Nap. (Takes the note.) I'll gib Marse Jack de note, and den 
fotch the gemmou in. (h'.xit Nap. at l. e.J 

Daisy. ( Walks to the ottoman and sits.) Now I am engaged, and 
have warned Jack, there can be no impropriety in meeting an aged 
counsellor and lawmaker of the nation. 

(Enter Napolkon at v. I). ushering in Smith.) 

Nap. (Striking at attitude at u. r. c. Smith at v. c.) De hon- 
orable Mr. Smith U. S. S., (aside) dat spell us, me an' him. 



6 How I obtained a Commission. 

Daisy. (Rising.) I am pleased to meet you, Senator. Napo- 
leon take the Senator's hat and cloak. (Napoleon takes the hat and 
cloak, putting the hat on struts out at c. D.) Be seated sir. 

Smith. (Advancing andhoioing as gallantly as his age permits, they sit 
on the ottoman. ) Miss Wilson, on this day I esteem myself the hap- 
piest of men. 

Daisy. Ah ? Senator, allow me to congratulate you. 

Smith. YoH may do so indeed, for upon this day I discover 
the object of a most constant and devoted pursuit, and best of all, I 
find it even more precious and beautiful than I had hoped. 

Daisy. (Aside.) Goodness! what an emphatic old gentleman. 
(Looking out.) Thank Heaven! There comes Jack, (sees him in 
the hall, rushes to him,) 

(Enter Jack.) 

Daisy. [Meets Jark at v. c.) Oh! Jack you did not go after 
all, did you. I am so glad, (offers her hands.) 

Jack. Of course I didn't, Daisy. Do you think I would leave 
you coz? (takes her hands.) 

Smith. An unexpected move on the part of the minority, (re- 
ferring to Jack's youth.) 

Daisy [Turning to Smith.) Excuse me, senator, allow me to 
introduce to you my cousin, Mr. John Jackson, Bachelor of laws. 
Cousin Jack, this is Senator Smith, of — Oh ! what is your State 
Senator ? 

Smith. (Rising) Oh ! never mind the State ; I am the only 
Smith in the Senate, (hoioing to Jack) I am glad to know you, sir. 

Jack. (Bowing low, in a slightly sarcastic tone.) I am honored 
in meeting one of the highest officers of the nation. [Daisy nods at 
Jack signijicantly.) Coz., I will just warm myself a little if you and 
the Senator will excuse me. 

Daisy. Certainly Jack. (Jack sits by the stove with his hack 
towards them : they resume their seats.) 

Smith. (Leaning towards Daisy, and speaking in a lotv tone.) 
Who is this cousin of j'ours ? 

Daisy, (fjeaning towards Smith.) He is cousin Jack. We have 
grown up together, and are very fond of each other, and this house 
is his home. 

Smith. What is his business ? 

Daisy. He is a lawyer, but he is so dissatisfied and has such 
a restless spirit, that I regret he did not enter the army. 

Smith. (Anxiously.) Do you think he would like the army ? 

Daisy, I am sure he would. He often threatens to run away 
and enlist. 



How I ohtaiiied a Commission. ^ 

Smith. [Aside.) T have an idea— may be I can get rid of him. 
(aloud.) I think I can help your. cousin to get a commission. 

Daisy. Oh ! do you ! He would be delighted at the prospect 
of entering the army, (rising) will you excuse me a moment Senator? 

Smith. Certainly. (Daisi) nods at Jack as she goes towards c.D.) 

Daisy. Jack you can manage him alone now. (Exit.) 

Smith. You are thinking of abandoning your profession, I 
Understand, sir ? 

Jack. YeSj sir ; I am going to enlist in the army as a private, 
in the hope of rising from the ranks. 

^mith. That's patriotic. Have you a military education? 

Jack, Well — I have had a drilling in mathematics, and engi- 
neering at college, where I had command of a company of cadets. I 
have studied the art of war on the maps. 

Smith. Why, sir! (jmnps up,) jonr patriotic spirit, with such 
an education, that some of our generals would be proud of, deserves 
to be rewarded with a commission. I think I can help you to get one. 

Jack. (Rising.) Thank you, sir; I thought of soliciting your 
aid, but upon reflection I remembered how much members of Con- 
gress are bored by office-seekers and lobbyists, that I determined 
to enlist. 

Smith. You must permit me to encourage your patriotism, by 
aiding you sir ! Do you know General Jones ? 
Jack. No, sir. 

Smith. The General in a great personal friend of mine, (aside.) 
We are political opponents, but understand each other, (aloud,) I 
will give you a letter to him, and he will put you in the way of getting 
a commission. Of course you must not expect to get a commission 
in the regular army? 

Jack. (Assuming patriotic excitement.) Anything, Senator, so 
that I get into the army, and into battle, where amid the roar of artil- 
lery, and the rattling of musketry, men forget home, family, friends, 
and everything but liberty and the wrongs of their country. 

Smith. Good! Bravo! (aside.) That's precisely what I wish 
the 3'oung gentleman to do, (aloud.) You can easily get a commission 
in a colored regiment. 

Jack. I am for the nigger regiments, (aside^) they won't know 
when I make a mistake. 

Smith. Well come down to the Capitol at one P. M. to-morrow, 
and we will talk the matter over, meantime I Avill see Jones. 

Jack. Thank you. Senator, (takes his hat) I'll go and tell cousin 
Daisj' — she will be so glad, and I will send her to you. 

Smith. Never mind ! Don't disturb her ! Make my adieus to 
her. (aside.) I will come again when he is out of the way. 



<y IIoic t obtained a Commission. 

(Exit Smith at c d. Jach after bowing the Senator out goes 
toioards i.. c. where he meets Napoleon as he enters.) 

{Enter Napoleon at l. e.) 

.Tach. Now Napoleon I am almost cei'taiu of my commission, 
and will probably be ordered to join my regiment immediately. You 
will then be the only man left in the house, so you miist protect 
your mistress and Philly. 

Nap. (aside) I 'spose old Jinny kin protect herself. 

Jach. (continuing) And I want you to keep an eye on that old 
Senator and see that he does not annoy your mistress. You must 
contrive to be about when he is here. You know then you'll be the 
natural protector of the family. 

Nap. Yes, Marse Jack. I'll do jist so. I'll be a mudder to 
deni an' I'll stick to dis room like the wool to de nigger. 

Jack. Good bye now, I must see about getting ready in case 
I get my commission (goes towards l. e.) keep a sharp eye on the 
Senator. {exit l. e.) 

Nap. {following.) Golly I'se de natr'al protector of de house. 
Keuch ! Keuch ! {struts out ^ exit h. e.) 

{Enter smith, c. d.) 

Smith {looking around cautiously^ rubbing his hands) Ha ! Ha ! 
the coast is clear at last. {Approaches the ottoman at r, c.) Well I 
think now that I have executed that little business about as neatly as 
possible. I must say that the getting of that interesting young- 
cousin out of the way was a stroke of masterly diplomacy. It has 
been only two days since I asked Jones to get him a commission 
and order him to the front, and he is a full fledged lieutenant of 
the U. S. C. T., and is ordered to report without delay. I think 
cifter this I might manage the French Court if I could only get a 
chance. Ha! Ha ! (Rings the bell at table at l. 2 e.) 

{Enter napoleon at c. d.) 

Nap. Keuch! Keuch!" I'se got my eye on yev {approaching 
Smith) 

Smith Tell your mistress that the Honorable Wilberforce Smith 
awaits her. 

Nap. Yas sah ! {aside) De honary Wickedness Smith. 

Smith No ! Sirrah ! The Honorable Wilberforce Smith. 

Nap. Yas sah, jist so. Will by force. («szc?e) By force will you, 
me an' Marse Jack will see about dat. {exits l. e.) 

Smith Upon my word this is a most bewildering creature, she 
takes my fancy amazingly. 

{Enter daisy at l. e.) 



How I obtained a Commission. 9 

Daisy (aside at l. c.) Oh ! you gay old deceiver! 

Smith (Jumps up, meets Daisy at c) Oh ! Miss Wilson. My 
first visit was so diverted from its object that I thus early return to 
repeat it. 

Daisy. Oh ! I must thank you Senator for 3'-our kindness to my 
poor cousin. 

Smith Not at all ! Not at all ! To serve you in the slightest 
manner must ever be my highest and dearest purpose — (pauses) and 
do you not know — 

(Enter napoleon at c. d.) 

Nap. (Rushing towards the stove, Daisy laughs, Smith looks mad) 
Dat chicken dat you gub me fur de dinner got somethin' de matter 
wid him sure, he wont die no how I kin fix him. Me and Philly bof 
fotch him a lick, but it war no go. And so I just come to ax fur 
your blessed ole fader's double edge razor point Mexican war 
cutlass ? 

Daisy. I really don't know, Napoleon, where it is. 

Nap. ( Going towards c. D. ) Den I mus' go up to de Smithsonan 
Instootan' git a Thomashawk, or a scalp knife, or a battle axe 
or somethin'. (Exits c. i).) 

Smith I was about to say, ray dear young lady, that, henceforth 
you must look upon me as your faithful and devoted servant. From 
the first moment of our meeting your image has — 

(Enter Napoleon rushing in.) 

Nap. Dat Chicken ! ! dat chicken ! 

Smith. Damn the chicken ! 

Nap. That everlastin' tarnation, super natural, nebber to be 

got rid ob old rooster, (looking fiercely at Smith.) 

Daisy. (Laughing.) Why Napoleon what's the matter. 

Nap. Dat infernal, never say die, stickenplaster beast of a 
aged tough brazen face, impossible to be kicked out rooster. 

Synith. Is the man crazy? 

Daisy. Napoleon, what's the matter ? (Laughing.) Why don^t 
you say. What has the chicken done? 

Nap. Done, done. Miss Daisy, done ! why it have wormed itself 
into a spectable defenceless family, and wormed eberybody else out 
ob it (shaking his fist at Smith.) 

Daisy. ( Warningly.) Napoleon ! 

Nap. Yes miss, certainly miss ! Done ! Why it has swallowed 
all de rest of de dinner whole, and eat up de axe, and pitches at 
Philly when she tried to kill it, and upset de cook, and— c/a?Hn it, it 
taint afeared ob me, and cussed and swore it wouldn't die— dat' s all. 
(Exit with a rush. ) 



10 " How I ohtained a Commission. 

Smith. (Drawing a long breath.) Is that over? Well, Miss 
Wilson, it seems that I am destined to interruption this morning. I 
can only console myself with the reflection that the course of — dare 
I say it — true love never did run smooth. Forgive me if my pre- 
cipitancy alarms you. It is only the strong impulse of a still young 
heart. How could a man be in the presence of so lovely and fair a 
being as yourself, and fail to experience those sweet and precious — 

(Enter Napoleon at c. a.) 

Nap. ! Miss Daisy ! Bress de Lord dat rooster ! ! Miss 
Daisy you'll have to send fur de pliceman dis blessed minit ! 

Smith. The chicken again, (jumping up and seizing his hat)~l 
can't stand this! Here, Miss Wilson, I had forgotten a pressing engage- 
ment. You will pardon my hasty departure — (aside) it will give me 
the excuse for a speedy return — (aloud.) ' It shall not be long before 
the wings of the young God will bear me to you again ; adieu ! 

Daisy. Good by, sir? (Exit Smith c. d.) 

{Napoleo7i executes a joyous dance and song. Daisy, laughs.) 

Daisy. I don't know whether to scold or praise you. You are 
certainly a most successful strategist. How poor Jack will laugh. 
But where is your master ? 

■ Nap. He sont word to say dat he'd be har directly : (steps are 
heard.) Why here he comes now ! (Enter Jack in lieutenanf s uni- 
form.) 

Daisy. ( Runs to ineet him, then coquettishly.) Well, Mr. Soldier, 
I thought you were going off without saying good bye. ' (Jack takes 
her hand.) 

Nap. (Napoleon looks at them, laughs, aside.) Dey think they- 
selves happy now, (looks admiringly at Jack''s uniform, aside.) Golly, 
don't he look bully. (Exit c. D.J 

Jack. I have only two minutes to stay. We are ordered off at 
at once, and I am to join my regiment this afternoon. I have only 
one thing to ask. 

Daisy. Anything, dear Jack. 

Jack. When I come again if only for an hour, that you will be 
my wife. 

Daisy. 0, Jack, (reluctantly draios from him.) 

Jack. Well, must I go without, Daisy ? 

Daisy. No — Yes — I promise. 

Jack, {draining her towards him nffectionalely,) You are an angel, 
and send me away happy. — Beware of the old Senator! and come 
see me off — {exeunt c. n.) 

Nap. (Enters at l. e. crosses to c. roith coal for fire.) Dat ole 
Sonitar dont like me bustin in yer and foolin' about de fire when he 
comes yer. Golly. I'se jist gwine to do what Marse Jack tole me. 



How I abtained a Commission. H 

Wouldn't I like to see Marse Jack pradin' up and down wid de niggers. 
Ise jist the garritype of Marse Jack. I was made fur to be a sodger. 
Golly, wouldn't I make a bully looking koppral? How de debbil is 
I gwine fur to git a koppral' s 'mission, dat's what I want to know. 
I'll ax dat ole Sonitar, bekase I heard Marse Jack say dat when 
dem fellars cum aroun' yer mus' git all outer dem you kin. Dey 
aint fit fur nuffin else. Nex' time he cum I'se gwine to show him 
how bully I kin read (listens) By golly! he hab cum now (laughs, 
jumps to take a -paper from the table. ) I jist be reading by de stove har, 
{kneels before the stove and pretends to read.) 

(Enter smith, sits on the sofa.) 

Smith, (sees Nap.) I wonder if that nigger lives in this room. 
Upon my soul it is as good as a play. 

Nap. (Reading and spelling the words) dat's g-r-e-a-t, I bet ^ 
chaw tobacco dat spell great, ba-t bat ; dats it, great bat, what de^ 
play base ball wid. T-l-e spell til. Golly, I knowd I'ud got it rite- 
Great battle, dat's what it is, no base ball bout den^ things ; dey 
means cannon balls big as a nig's head an almost as hard. Now I'se 
gwine to git de news. Great battle on de R-a-p, I knows dat : dat's 
ole Rappahanock, war I use to catch catfish. C-o-1 — dat word's cul- 
led — what I calls nigger — R-e-g dat word means nigger regiments. 
F-o-u-g-h t fought w-e-1-1 dat means well. Great battle on de ole 
Rappahanock, niggers fit bully. I knowed the niggers wud fite. 
Golly, cant I fite. Guess if sum of dese big men knowed how bully 
I can read an' rite an' fite dey would gib me a 'mission. 

Smith. By jove, that's the very thing. I can get rid of this 
fellow now. ( Walks towards Nap.) What is your name, my man? 

Nap. (jumpinq up apparently confused) ax your pardon, sir, I'se 
got no name but Nap. 

Smith. What is your full name? 

Nap. Louis Napoleon Bonaparte. 

Smith That's a good name, now tell me, what is it you want? 

Nap. I wants akoppral's mission, dats what I wants. Wants 
to be a officer. 

Smith Well, I will give you a note to General Jones, and he 
will make you a corporal, and send you to your master's regiment 
(goes to the table and writes.) 

Nap. (Dancing behind his back. ) Golly, Ise gwine to be a officer. 

Smith. Here, take this note to the War Department, and give it 
to General Jones. He will attend to you. (Exit Nap. l. e.) 

Smith. Well, I trust I shall have a rather easier time now that 
I have removed all the male portion of the family. ( Takes a book. 

[Enter Phillis behind him, approaching slyly.) 



12 How I ohtained a Commission. 

Phillis. (To audience) Lord o' massy its a real live- Senate 
chamber, {dances straight^ up and doivn,) and to think however this 
bressed house should come to have a great big Congress-er-man a 
wisitin it. And he be one ob de men as sits all da}^ long vvid dey feet in 
de air and eats all degold up, so dat eberybody else kin get no money, 
only paper, (snifs.) He aint so much to look at arter all. 

(Moves a succession of courtesies. Senator dosen^t see her, and 
reads on. Phillis standing before him, courtesies again.) 

Phillis Is dem Senitorious manners? (courtesies again,) hem. 

Smith. ! Is your mistress at home ? 

Phillis. Yes, sir ; she tole me to say dat she war not berry well, 
and war sorry to say she couldn't see you unless you could remain 
awaitin a longtime. 

Senator. ! Very well, it is very comfortable here — I will wait. 

Phillis. Yes, sar ; (handing a note ^to S7nith,) a gemmon left 
dis note at de door, an' axed me fur to gub it to you. (Retires to- 
wards L. E.) 

Smith. (At L. c. Reading.) "'Hurry up to the War Department. 
I wish to see you immediately on pressing business. The contract 
is about to be awarded to the other party. If your vote can be se- 
cured on a certain measure our friends are sure of the contract." 

'Jones.' 
Stay. Tell your xMistress I'll call again. (Exit c. d.) 

Phillis. Yes, sir ; I knowed that note would fotch him away. 
C Goes toiuards c. D.} 

(Enter Napoleon at G. D. in uniform of a corporal) 

Phillis. (Meeting Nap. at 1,., looks surprised.) Good, golly nig- 
ger, whar did you steal dem sodger clothes from ? 

Nap. (Crosses to c.) Mus' be crazy, gal. I don' steal no sod- 
ger clothes. Bought dis uniform down at ole Moses fur three dollars, 
I did. 

Phillis. What business you got wid dem on, ha ! 

Nap. Didn't Miss Daisy tole yer I wera officer ob dese United 
States army ? 

Phillis. You knows well enouf dat Miss Daisy warn't gwine to 
tole me no lies about you, nigger. 

Nap. Anyhow, Ise a koppral sure enuf, an' Ise gwine away to- 
day to jine Marse Colonel Jack's Nigger Regiment. 

Phillis. Now, goodness gracious, 'live ! dar dat nigger stan' rite 
afore me wid dat bare black face an' tell me dat lie. Ise no fool, I 
don't believe no sich lies as dem. 

Nap, Ise a koppral. 'deed and deed I is. I show you de papers, 
(shows her a corporaVs loarrant.) 

Phillis. (Looking at the warrant.) It do look like de paper 
Marse Jack got when he war pinted blue tenant, sure enuf. Is dat 
yours ? 

Nap. (Putting up the warrant.) Aint fur nobody else but dis 



How I ohtained a Commusion. L^ 

chile. Now, Philly, Ise gwine away to fite fur you niggers soon as 
Miss Daisy gibs me a letter fur Marse Jack. I wants to gib you 
sum advice. 

PliUlis. ( Who has been admiring the uniform.) I nebber seed 
a nigger in sodger closes before in all my born days. 

Nap. Nebber mind, niggers in sodger's close, but cum to atten- 
tion of the koppral. You knows you is a 'telligerent country-band. 

Phillis. 'Deed Ise no country-band. Ise a contrary-band dat 
what I is. 

Nap. No, dat aint it. You is a country-band 'cause when de 
war first broke out all de niggers come to Washington in bands from 
de country to git office, dat why dey is called country-bands. 

Phillis. I thought it Avar 'cause dey is so'contrai-y-wise dat dey 
war called contrary-bands. 

Nap. No ! It is what I tell you, now listen to me, Marse Jack 
tole me. — Eberytimedat ole Senator cums, you must be roun' in an' 
out of de room 

Phillis. Deed Avill dis chile watcli him. If dat ole fella, says 
anything Miss Daisy don't like I'll scald him to death, deed I will 
honey, {bell rings.) Dar's Miss Daisy's bell. I must see what she 
wants. - (exit l. e.) 

Nap. Won't I make the niggers fite when I gits command of 
' em ! ( Enter Philly. ) 

Phillis. Miss Daisy wants you to come rite long wid me dis 
minuit to her room. She wants to tell yer what to tell Marse Jack, 
an' yousegot to go off" to him rite away. [Exeunt l. e.) 

(Enter Smith c. B.) 

Smith. Now since that young fop is gone — the big nigger got 
off, and I saw the young lady at the head of the stairs as I came in. 
Come, we'll see if the pretty quarry will escape me now ! 

(Enter Daisy L. E.J 

Daisy. Good afternoon, Senator ! 

Smith. At last, I see you once more. 

Daisy. Oh ! Senator, you have played the recruiting officer 
among my household, and carried oft" my right hand man ; I declare 
you have left me quite defenceless. 

Smith. No ! say not so— never defeticeless while I am here to 
strike or die for you ! (an attitude.) 

Daisy. 0, you are joking, Senator, have you attended any 
more of those charming re-unions of Mrs. Clarendon's this season? 

Sm -th. Ah ! my dear young lady, I was about to say there is one 
1-emembrance of ihat auspicious occasion of our meeting that haunts 
me like a sweet dream, that rings thro' the portals of memory that 
will live in my in my — I may say in my ears forever. 

Daisy. (Aside.) In his ears! {to him.) You did not get the 
ear ache did you ? 

Sinith. ! no ! no ! no ! it was a witchery, an enchantment, 
an arrow from the quiver of your charms. 



t.!f. How I nhtahied a Commission. 

Dais I/. (Anxiously.) Did it get into your ear sir ! 

Siniih (UncerLainlij.) My ear ! 0, yes— assuredly my ear — it 
pierced my ear and quivered in my heart. . 

Daisy. (Apprehensively.) What was it si i' ? 

Smith. It was a — love song. 

Daisy. 0, a love song? 

Smith. By yon. 

Daisy. 0, by me, (aside— folding her hands.) I sang nothing 
at all that night. 

Smith. Come, nightingale, repeat it — let me hear it once more — 
alone — with no alien ears to steal from me a portion of its sweetness. 

Daisy. 0, you want me to sing that song again, (aside) He's 
going crazy. 

Smith. Yes, yes ! 

Daisy. You recollect it perfectly. ■ 

Smith. Yes ! Yes ! a thousand times have I hummed it over- 
warbled it in the night watches. 

Daisy. You are a musician then? 

Smith. Aw — yes — I flatter myself — a bit of a one — Amateur you 
know, but — a — connoiseur also. 

Daisy. Ah ! will you be kind enough then to tell me what style 
of music I sang on that occnslon ? 

Smiih. Style! a-o- what style ! hem ! (aside,) d — n it! 0, yes, 
certainly, a — it was a — sticcato — a — a legato — a — obligato — a 
mn\\a.to—( g^oivng confident.) 

Daisy. ( Aside, laughing heartily.) Mulatto yourself, you old 
brute, (tfj him.) Kh.\ thank you — yes — but I don't exactly recall it, 
would you ? You remember it so well — have warbled it so often — 
would you — just hum a few bars for me? 

Smith. (Aside ) The devil — (to her,) hum it ! yes, certainly, 
that is — I will try — let me see — (clears his thioat and pants — tries to 
pitch his voice ) 

Daisy. (Rubbing her hands gleefully — speaking coqtiettishly.) 
You thought it pretty Senator? 

Smiih. 0, divine! how could it be otherwise, sung by those 
lips ? 

D<iisy. 0, pray go on. 

Smith (Aside.) The devil ! she's a witch — what shall I do? 

Daisy. ( Procokingly.) I listen ! 

Snith. ( MaJce^ a desperate effort and hums something, beginning 
with a a burst and ending with a dismal wail.) 

Daisy. ( Aside. )K. cross between a drunken song and a psalm. 
I'm afraid — that is I am slightly out of practice — perhaps you would 
not — I fear — 

Daisy. ! never mind, its my stupidity — don't trouble yourself 
any more — I will sing you something else. 

Smiih. (Delighted.) 0. do ! do! — that will be enchanting. I 
shall then have two witching memories — two shafts of cupid. 

Daisy. (Aside.) Two arrows in his ear — yes, that would 



How I obtained a Commission. 15 

be what we would call a situation, (to him,) what shall I sing you, 
Senator ? shall it be grave or gay — lively or severe ? 

Smith. 0, something coquettish, delicious, enticing, buffo style, 
you know. 

Daisy. (Aside.) Staccato — mullatto — 0. yes ! sings (a coquettish 
ballad — Smith meamvhile making signs of admiration and delight behind 
her, blows kisses to her, Sfc. Daisy finishes her song, turns and walks 
to L.) 

Smith. It's all over with me! I'm clean gone — that finished 
me! Byjove, I can't resist the little devil — Farewell, my bachler 
hood ! (Pulls dow'i his vest and approaches Daisy.) 

Daisy. How did you like my song. Senator? Was it anything 
like the other one ? 

Smith. 0, it was music's self — it was the quintessence of 
melody — But come, I want to ask you one question. (Draws a 
chair for her and seats both.) 

NoAv there is a question which has puzzled many a wiser 
head than yours, and in which the destiny of many lives have 
been involved ; but I want you to decide it. I want to know what is 
your opinion of unequal — that is, what do you think of a disparity — 
I should say — I mean — suppose now — picture to yourself two people. 

Daisy. I do ! 

Smith. Congenial with each other, delightful companions — vi- 
vacious — sparkling — arch. 

Daisy. You mean playmates ! 

Smith. Not at all — No ! No! A man and a woman. 

Daisy. Oh ! 

Smith. I say congenial, w'lh sympthetic tastes, both musicians — 
both we will say, artists. 

Daisy (aside.) Ahem! 

Smith. Suppose that there exists a trifling— a very slight and 
trifling disparity in their ages — suppose the woman — beautiful, 
lovely, enchanting, but innocent and unexperienced — the_ man 
(straightc ing himself) rich in years— I should say, I mean in the 
expericMTces of years — you understand me, you see? 

D'lisy. {Laughing ) Yes ; I see him ! 

Smith. Formed to be her protector — and yet young, too, of his 
age — active, elastic, buoyant — a-a-a-fine figure of a man. A man 
that could pursue her studies, and her pleasures at her side, who could 
become a very cupid for the nonce — who could warble with her like 
the nightingale, while he instructed her like a sage ( iMisy looks at 
him).)' Do you think that a few years of difference in the age of 
these two should stand in the way of any fond, close tie? 

Daisy.. Stand in the way? Of course not— Why should it? 

S^nith. (Enchanted.) Lovely being, I knew you would speak 
thus. 

Daisy. Indeed, no ! Let me see— he could be her dear old 
uncle — he might be her blessed old father. 

Smith. (Aghast.) Dear old uncle! Blessed old father! 

Daisy. (Rocking herself gently and speaking confidentially.) He 



16 How I obtained a Commission. 

might be — He might be her dear precious, precious, deary old duck 
of a grandfather ! 

Smith. (Starting to his feet.) Grandfather ! 

Daisy. (Looking up imiocentlj at him.) Senator do you know 
that 

Smith. (Melted.) What is it, fair one? 

Duisij. That you look — yes — you do look 

Smith. How do I look, enchantress? 

Daisy. Very like my dear old grandfather about the top of the 
head. 

Smith. (Aside.) Zounds! This girl is very flurrrying — very 
flurrying indeed. I'll swear she quite dashes me ; but she must have 
mistaken my meaning — Come ! I must not loose my opportunity — 
My golden opportunity — Wait till she learns what I really mean, and 
then you'll see ! Ho ! Ha ! These women ! 

Daisy. Is it possible that that bomb penetrated that venerable 
skull at last! Then he will leave me in peace — but come — I must 
not insult the old wretch in my own house. ( furns to him.) 

Smith. {Appro'iching he--.) My sweet child ! 

Daisy. [Aside) Oh I That's a promising beginning. 

Smith. You hive totally misunderstood me. I spoke not of the 
tie paternal, nor that which exists between a dear uncle and his 
niece, or a revered grandfather, 

Daisy. {Aside.) pshaw ! He's at it again. 

Smith. I allude to a union between far more congenial hearts — 
a tie far stronger, fresher, and more ardent than any of these. 

Daisy. Worse and worse [aside re4(jning herself.) 

Smith. I was picturing to you the bond of wedded love between 
a heart enriched with wisdom, and one where lovely innocence sat 
enthroned. 

Daisy. — h! Jack! Jack! I begin to be frightened to death. 
It's coming ! I know it is ! 0, if somebody would only set fire to the 
house — or something ! 

Smith. Daisy, you don't look on me as an o — o — old man? 

Daisy. Yes — No — (aside) 0, dear, how rude I am — about the 
age of " old Grimes," a suitable companion for old "Mother Hub- 
bard," step brother to Mrs. Noah. 

Smith. And what is the rich accretion of years bestowed for but 
to serve and shield the faltering steps of youth? 

Daisi/. Yes ; of coarse, (aside.) As an old nurse, or something 
of that sort — This is awful — I am growing desperate — I nmst put a 
stop to it. 

Smith, Miss Wilson — Daisy — Sweetest of women — hear me say 
I love — 

Daisy. (With sudden dignify.) Your country, I presume sir; we 
can never be too often assured of that by the representatives and 
guardians of her honor and safety ! 

Smith. (Voilently repulsed.) Ah! Oh! Yes: of course — that 
I suppose is not to be doubted. (Daisy w dies up and down trium- 
phantly ^ with folded arms.) Upon my soul — The young torpedo! 



How I ohtamed a Commission. 17 

Zounds! I don't know what to make of her, (pants.) It can't Idb 
that the little Avitch is quizzing me? She can't be insensible 
to the honor of being attended by a U. S. Senator — No ! Impossible ! 
It is accident — A mere contretemps — She has totally misunderstood 
me — I will be more explicit — She is naturally a little dazzled by my 
position — Yes, you think it a great thing to be a Senator then? 

Daisy. [Aside.) He thinks to awe me with his position now, 
[to him) most assuredly, sir. it ought to be a very great thing. 

Smith. There is something imposing and grand in the office. 

Dais I/. [Axide.) What can the old fellow mean ? ['J^o him.) I 
can imagine nothing so grand and proud as to be the chosen treasurer 
of a great nation's glory. 

Smith (Aside.) Ah! Ha! I knew that would rouse her. (To 
her.) You think as I would have you, — but learn, sweet innocence, 
that there is another distinction and a higher glory than that, and 
that is to be the chosen wife — 

(Enter Phillis — ru'^hing about and talking violently to herself.) 

Phillis. Just ges. Is gwine do my work and git dun wid it — dis 
time o'day — dat nigger gone clean mad. (To them.) Sense me, 
Marse, — '"scuse me Missus. (l-Aiys down the brushy) 

Smith. (Making pantomime of rage ichile Daisy laughs and nods to 
the girl. Exit PawAAS.) A most inopportune intrusion. (To her.) 
I was about to say, my dear young lady, that if the otFer of a heart 
wholly subjected by your charms — a love drawn from the deepest. — 

[Enter Phillis running and talking violently to herself— setting doicn 
coal ^ cuttle and blacking box.) 
Phillis. Dat ar ole Time — seems to me he cuts and runs like 
a skeered nigger ; dar's no holding on to him no how ; aint been two 
minutes, seems to me, sence breakfast an' now it am 2 o'clock. 
(Daisy laughs and Sinith rages.) [^Exit c. u.] 

Smith, (aside) By heaven, is this to go on all day ? I' 11 break that 
nigger's neck if she comes in here again, (to her. ) The evil fates frown 
on me, and I fear that these domestic gusts will destroy your auspi- 
cious mood. Tell me sweet girl, would it seem to you a fair fate to 
find yourself the chosen consort of one of your country's. — 

(Enter Phillis wi'h broom and dust pan and brush, ^flings them down, 
and rushes at the stove begins to polish it.) 

Smith. [Stamping up and down) The world would do homage to 
you. (Tries to kiss her hand — Phillis jumps up and sioinging the 
broom sxvet-ps violently.) 

Daisy, Why! Phillis? 

Phillis. Scuse me, Miss Daisy,— I axe your parding sixty 
hundred million times for such bad manners as sweepin in de parlor 
afore company, but don't you know Miss Daisy, dat cleanin up is Heb- 
bin's first law, and dat you allers learned me dat, and dat it am 
arter two o'clock, and you spectin company to dinner 6-4-17-20-13 



18 Hoio I ohtained a Commission. 

people : all de first in the land, wid diamonds and trains, and I'll 
jes not make one speck of dust, and you jest put 3'our pocket hand- 
kerchief over your bressed head and dat ole gemmon he wont mind 
it a bit. (Jumps up and dovm and sweeps ierrifically^ knocking doion 
chairs and stools as she goes) 

Smithr Lord ! ! Miss VVilson. ! my coat my dear 
lady, I must positivly beat a retreat ; let me implore the honor of one 
moment's private interview with you. This afternoon, I will come. 
0, be not so cold hearted as to deny me, adieu — ( Coughs, strangles, 
[and exit c. D. ) 

Daisy. [Laughing heartilg) 0, Phillis, Phillis, you will certainly 
be the death of me. (Exit Daisy at ].. e.) 

Phillis. [looking at the stove she has polished,) I bet deres no nig- 
ger in dese United States kin make a stove shine like dat — He ! He ! 
He ! ebery time I shine dat stove it makes me tink bout dat lazy 
nigger. Napoleon and de "elbow grease ;" who'd eber believe dat dat 
fool went all round town huntin for "elbow grease, '' golly, didn't I 
lafFwhen he tole me. 

[Enter Smith softly — sees Phillis — makes gesture of despair.) 

Phillis [not seeing him.) Dat are old Senator gub me a heap of 
trouble, I jes think I'll try and git somethin' outen him. AVhy don't 
he make me head scrubber in the Treasury 'partment. 

Smith, (aside) By the Gods I'll do it. I wish it was head 
scrubber in h — 1 (to her.) My good woman, what is your name? 

Phillis (jumping off her feet terrified) My name, my name sah ! 
am Phillemoena Sally Ann Jenkins! 

Smith. Are you the only servant in this house ? 

Phillis. Dars old Ginny — she's decook, she's so ole she can't 
move outen de kitchen. 

Smith. Thank the stars, is there nobody else ? 

Phillis. No sah, only Miss Daisy, she's missus. 

Smith. Will you swear it ? 

Phillis. (Surprised) Ha! bible oaf swear! what for, Keuch I 
Keuch ! (aside) de ole fella's bery anxious to know. 

Smith, (aside) If I get her out of the way there will be nobody 
else that can disturb me. 

(To her.) Here, I will give you a note to the Secretary'' of the 
Treasury, and you shall have what you want, (sits at the table and 
writes. Gives her a note and his card.) Here, take this to the Sec- 
retary of the Treasury, and this to your mistress. 

Philly. (Affecting to misunderstand and holding up card.) Dis 
to de Secretary, and dis to Miss Daisy!. 

Smith. No, No! (Aside.) Damned stupidity, {aloud.) No! 
that to your Mistress, and that to the Secretary. 

Philly. Yes, sah ! jes so, sah ! thank you sah ! (laughs aside) — 
Ise guine to tell Miss Daisy all 'bout it. (Exit l. e.) 

Smith. ( Throio.-i up his hat and rubs his hands, and exults.) Thank 
the Lord, I believe I've got rid of them all for good. 



Hold I ohtained a Commission. 19 

[Enter Daisy.) 

Smith. (Appoaching her.) At last! At last! At last! I see 
you alone, with no abhorent interruption to destroy me — happy 
hour. 

Daisy. Why Senator, you look as if you had met some good 
fortune. 

Smith. {Aside.) And so I have, (to her,) good fortune— is it 
not enough that I see you, that I am permitted to gaze undisturbed — 

{Enter Philly.) 

Philly. {Running, dancing, and hurrahing.) Miss Daisy 
Lord a massy, who would ebber thought, as marse Jack and Napo- 
leon an' de whole great big rigiment of nigger sogers 'ud be back 
here dis bressed mornin' an' a marchin 'long de street to dis berry 
house, fierce as the debbil. 

Smith. {Aside, sinking back.) Heavens and earth! what acci- 
dent is this ? 

Daisy. Master Jack's regiment — Philly ! is it possible ! are you 
sure, {delightedly,) did you see them yourself? 

Philly. Yes, yes, I seed em mai'ching along de street as I was 
gvvine out de door. Marse Jack riciiii' on a horse — and Napoleon— 
golly, you ought seen him a struttin like a gineral, jis as if he owned 
de whole place. 

Smith. The devil take it — I might have known that Jones was 
too drunk at the supper the other night to know which regiment I 
wanted ordered to Alaska. 

Philly. Ise gwine to look out de hall window and see em cum 
by. {Exit c. d.) 

Smith. {Aside) I have but a few minutes now — I must make 
the best of them — deuce take it, {to Daisy,) Miss Wilson — Daisy! 
all the fates have conspired against me, but listen to me one in- 
stant : you will not allow this — aw' — unlucky, that is unexpected ar- 
rival to distract your thoughts from me, to obliterate the memory 
of my devoted — a' — ardent, poetical attentions. 

Daisy. {Aside not hearing him.) Jack is coming, Jack is com- 
ing. 

Smith. I am aware that I have impressd you a' — somewhat 
deeply — but {Daisy starts.) 

{Enter Philly.) 

Philly. 0' Miss Daisy, {dancing) I hears em a comin, halle- 
lujah 1 1 means hur-ra I {Exit c. D.) 

Smith. {Aside.) Devil take her. You will not banish me now! 
When shall I come to you again ; not when that young fellow is by, 
you know — but. — 

{Enter Philly.) 

Philly. 0' Miss Daisy I hears de music ; dere dey cum — 



Sow I obtained a Commission. 

0' Golly! dat nigger Napoleon don't he tink he's some : {music of 
band on'side.) Lord ! dere it am. {Exit c. d.) 

Daisy. There he is — there he is, {goes toioardsdoor.) 

Smith. One moment ! One pledge ! {falls upon his knees, a,nd 
seizes her hand, she struggles, laughing and looking towards the door) 

Daisy. {Aside.) Old fool! 0' Jack, Jack, here's a plight to 
meet one's lover in. 

{Enter Napoleon, followed by soldiers and Philly.) 

Nap. {Sees Senator on his knees.) Halloo I (<o soZrfters,) Charge 
on dat man an' stick him wid a bayonet — {soldiers point bayonets 
and charge.) 

{Enter Jack.) 

Smith, (jumping up and retreating, alarmed.) Stop that — what 
do you mean, d'n you? 

Jack. {Draioing his sword.) Halt! shoulder arms! don't you 
know that is Senator Wilberforce S. Smith — present arms! {runs to 
Daisy and seizes her hands, Napoleon md Philly dance, soldiers present 
arms.) Remember your promise — the moment I returned you were 
to be ray wife. 

Nap. Yes, yes, jes so ; golly, yes, and Philly you are to be Mrs. 
Orderly Sergeant, Philly Louis Napoleon Bonaparte dis yer minit, 
you knowo you is. 

Philly. Is 1 — golly is we all to be married — hurrah ! 

Smith. {Aside.) And did I give the .whole family positions and 
get them out of the way for this — '"It's like a dream — a hideous 
dream." 

Jack. {Leading Daisy towards him.) Senator will you allow me 
to present to you my betrothed wife and give you a very informal 
invitation to our wedding. 

Sm>th. {Confusedly.) Wedding — betrothed — but its my wed- 
ding — That is, I am the one I mean — I should say — 1 refuse — I — I — 
protest against the whole thing, its all out of order — why, damn 
it, its unconstitutional. 

\_Rushes towards G. d., turns at the door, and shakes his fist at 
Jack, the others laugh.'] 

Smith. 

Soldiers, Soldiers, 

Jack and Daisy, Napoleon and Pmillis. 

DROP. 



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